8.
The Dangers of Yawning
Other titles in this series:
The Perils of Shouting
The Mystery of Toothpaste
The Complexities of Short Walks The Thrills of Salt
The Importance of Handshakes The Treachery of Dogs
The Secrets of Menus
The Lies of Self Importance
The Scents of E Books
The Popularity of Dancing
and
The Reality of Venice
THE DANGERS OF YAWNING
There are many dangers that occur in the act of yawning, some are as follows:
When yawning, letʼs say on the tube in the morning sat down and surrounded by all sorts of other people, observations have shown there is a temptation not to reach up with the Hand and cover the Mouth. The reasons for this are numerous. The results are many. The dangers include, (but certainly not limited to); the possibility of dust wafting in, the possibility of crumbs crumbling in, the possibility of poisonous air from those old seats below puffing in, (after all those patterns are burdened with who knows what and who would want to know). But mostly there is the very real and possible danger that ghosts, spirits of the netherworld, hangers on in this life, gouls, will gamble on into the gob and right down into the throat and heart.
Unfortunately, unlike the errant crumb, these situations are not so easy to rectify. In fact they are quite difficult, near impossible, and have countless and dreadful implications on the Health.
Let us illustrate these worrying claims with a sample of case studies.
1. Alan*
Alan did not cover the Mouth with the Hand, and ended up with one of the treacherous spirits roaming around inside. At first he noticed only small things:
• his throat felt hot
just there in the centre, like he had swallowed a grape right from the oven, or something similar.
But gradually he noticed other things too;
• he no longer identified the smell of butter
It could be right there melting on hot toast and he would feel absolutely nothing. Walking through parks he would feel a sudden need to
• walk purposefully towards swans
This frightened Alan, as he, like everyone else, knows swans can break a manʼs arm with a twist of their beak**, and he was a man after all. He could
• never find pairs of socks
He could not unite even a sock with another sock, let alone one with its true partner. A consequence of this being that he was always late for every appointment, even things he had really looked forward to in the days before.
2. Justine***
Justine suffered a range of new and startling effects, some of which had never been documented before. Justine found that she was
• no longer able to pass a mirror without going right up to the glass and looking very
closely in her right eye
She could find no reason for this, except that there might be something in there, a small piece of dirt or a feather, or something to that effect. At work in planning**** meetings, Justine found that she would:
• laugh at the mere mention of numbers which in a planning meeting is often and frequent
• use the word “crimbo” at an annual family party And she had
• begun to eat 7+ bananas a day
which studies in a range of important magazines have shown to be both unhealthy and
expensive.
3. Garry*****
Garryʼs first clue that something was amiss came when he
• added another letter to his name
In this case it was not the ʻrʼ shown here, but another letter that caused the same unsettling effect. Like others, Garry shrugged this off as a mere adjustment that comes with age. Next for Garry came
• a desire to go bowling outwith sociable hours
If he finally did make it to the lanes, he felt an overwhelming repulsion at the idea of putting on someone elseʼs shoes, particularly when he realised those shoes didnʼt belong to anyone at all. Unfortunately it did not end there, as he felt the growing need to
• only write in red pen
The real shocker came when Garry, at this point perplexed and probably perspiring, could
• no longer see if he was wearing trousers or not
causing him to constantly feel for invisible pockets as he cycled to work through one of the busiest parts of town.
Alan, Justine and Garry have only recently, with the help of experts in their field, (although as yet unpublished******), come to realise that all these apparently strange and unconnected happenings are actually strange connected happenings that resulted directly from the act of yawning. Working with such experts it is hoped they may all return to normalcy at some point in the future, although only a lot of time will tell.
It may seem incredible that all these seemingly unrelated events were the result of just one simple act of negligence, but in fact they were. Covering the Mouth at the very thought of a yawn is advisable in the strongest possible terms. To open the Mouth to the atmosphere without engaging the safety of the Hand, a brain and soul are vulnerable to just about anything, a ghost and his brothers being just the beginning*******.
* Alan is a fabricated name based on a combination of a cherished school friend and a local cinema.
** Many men have damaged an arm in situations similar to this.
*** Although wishing her name to be changed, Justine* requested her assumed identity within this study be similar in certain
ways to her real name, in order to maintain a sense of normalcy.
**** Justine* does participate in many work-related meetings, but very few of them concern “planning”.
***** ʻGarryʼ* was chosen by the experts as opposed to the subject.
****** Published works pending further review
******* For further information please request Chapter 2